Me and my dark cloud…

Yesterday this happened….

IMG_6546I’m still finding salsa bits in all corners of my house today and probably will be until the same thing inevitably happens with a tub of sour cream or jar of pickles or something, and then I’ll just divert my attention to that…and other stories of my annoying dark cloud…

Coming Home: Am I the only one plagued by comedic bad luck? Maybe.

Have you ever had a week where you feel like there’s a dark cloud of bad luck following you around? I’m not talking about catastrophic events, but rather painful toe stubs, coffee cups falling randomly from the cupboard, a printer that will only print blue ink or a chandelier that quit working one day only to magically work again the next?

Yeah? Now imagine this is your life.

Seriously. I’m a klutz. A magnet for small disasters. A target for falling things.

Once, while painting our house, I got my head stuck in a ladder. Like, bad. And because I was all alone outside while my husband was inside working on another project, there was a legit chance I could have died that way.

dsc01647

I was stuck long enough anyway to contemplate the meaning of my last words to my husband. But no matter how I spun it, “Hand me that paint bucket, would ya?” just didn’t seem like a profound send-off to the after life.

Anyway, I lived through that one to continue to make a dramatic story out of every family trip. Seriously. Once, we made it an entire 50 miles into a 500-mile road trip before we had to change every tire on the camper. EVERY. TIRE.

And after that, we hit a deer with the pickup we bought the week before, so yeah, why don’t you ride with us next time.

If you like slapstick, hang out with me, a woman who has bigger ideas than the muscles attached to my flailing arms — flailing because bats seem to prefer to fly right for my head instead of the million miles of open sky available to them.

Sky

Hang with me if you like performing the Heimlich maneuver at restaurants because I’ll likely inhale a chip. Or mistake wasabi for guacamole.

Come along and I’ll tell you how I got my big nose from my dad … and a flying sled and an unruly beer bottle, thanks so much for asking.

I mean, how many people have been smacked in the head by a 15-foot board flying off a trailer one day only to fall through the floor of a barn the next?

Inside the barn

Have you ever witnessed a woman in her best dress fall directly on her face for no apparent reason, flashing her entire rear end to a restaurant full of strangers? No? You should have been there for that one.

And the time I bent over to retrieve a napkin and banged my head so hard on the kitchen table that dinner guests fell silent to watch those little cartoon bluebirds circle around my head.

How many times can a dad rush his young daughter to the emergency room for a crushed foot, a disjointed wrist or a smashed finger from an unfortunate incident between a 2,000-pound bull and a metal post?

How many times can a husband shake his head at his wife before his head actually falls off and he turns from bystander to victim?

Yeah, life’s tough out here for me and my cloud, and I’d buy a helmet — but then I’d just be asking that coffee cup to fall on my toe next time.

Be careful out there friends.

horse-frustration

10 thoughts on “Me and my dark cloud…

  1. YIKES! I had no idea i was so lucky to be reading your columns — you could be in the hospital! Thank you for sharing even the grit, and thank you for hanging in there! I remember cleaning up the brand new 42 ounce jar of dill pickles, broken to smithereens when it fell out of the refrigerator onto the brand new tile floor….itty bitty pieces of glass, great big pieces of pickle, unsealed grout and of course the dog and the 8 year old had to come in and walk on it. And i got my arm stuck in the mail slot at the post office once, but of course that’s another story. I concur, a helmet would only broaden the swath of misfortune{;-/ Really glad you’re there, writing and living through it all!

  2. You are hysterical!!!! I will forever be reminded of your record when feeling sorry for my misfortunes!!! And thanks for that!!

  3. Jessie- You are so darned funny. Thank you for the laughs. I love it.

    I’m your equal and then some in the klutz department. My husband and I were dressed up looking at a lovely furnished house one time. While we “oohed and ahhed” as I turned to go in to the next room, my hair bun got caught in a wall sconce. I couldn’t move.The realtor started laughing hysterically while he told me I was going to have to buy the house if my hubby couldn’t get my hair all picked out of the ornamentation!

    Another time we were dancing at an elegant club. We were having a fabulous time when hubby suddenly did a fast swing, I flew around, and my MIDDLE FINGER GOT CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE BUTTON HOLE ON HIS SUIT JACKET! Impossible. A magician couldn’t have done better. I nearly ripped the jacket off his back!! Then I couldn’t stop convulsing with laughter. A second later everyone in the room was howling. We became well known after that one.

    Keep on laughing. It does get funnier as time goes on.

  4. I am not alone!!! So comforted at my own clutziness now after reading your blog post today…..another element we seem to share.
    Please take care of yourself. I shall heed the same words.

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