Working from home
Let me set the scene: It’s the third day of social distancing. Both my husband and I are working from home.
We have 2-year-old and 4-year-old daughters who have demanded that we call them Anna and Elsa for the past three days. My name has been permanently changed to Olaf.
It’s lunchtime and we decided to spice it up by pretending we were all in a fancy restaurant. I was the hostess and my husband was the waiter, serving the girls up the most gourmet chicken nuggets money can buy and Cass-Clay whole milk aged to perfection in our best wine glasses. We get the children settled and teach them the proper way to hold the wine glass (pinky up, tea party style) because we are parents of the year.
Three minutes into our feast, my husband’s phone rings. He takes the call while I clink glasses with Anna and Elsa. But my husband isn’t well versed in “work-from-home” etiquette. He forgets to lock himself in the bathroom. Instead, he stays in his position directly across the table from 2-year-old Anna and discusses price and timeline with a customer while I try to convince the girls that it’s customary to whisper in fancy restaurants.
To which 2-year-old Anna responded, in her best outside voice, “MORE WINE PLEASE!”
Yes. Parents. Of. The. Year.
With schools and day cares closed these days, many of you are finding the reality of working from home with kids that I’ve been honing for the last four years.
And I would like to take this platform to offer you some survival tips, but honestly, I’ve got nothing. I mean, I started writing this column at 7 a.m. and I’m guessing it will be next month before I finish it up. And that’s why they invented day care.
But for the foreseeable future, home is where the heart/office/school is. So while I have no advice, I do think it’s important to be transparent as we work together remotely in these tumultuous times. So, if you call me, please know that one or more of these things are happening:
- Exactly 30 seconds into our chat, my children, who were previously quietly zoned out in front of “Dora the Explorer” or playing dolls together sweetly, will suddenly, and urgently, need marshmallows. And while I employ the tactic of moving from room to room trying to get away from them and their demands, I will inevitably give in and throw the bag at them to gain a few minutes of quiet. Which I will get, because after they’ve indulged themselves in a few handfuls, they will have dumped the rest of them on the floor and engaged in an enthusiastic game they invented called “squash them all over the floor with our bare feet.” And I will allow it. Because I’m on the phone.
- One of them will suddenly have to poop. Really, really, really bad. This probably happens during 80% of my work calls. So if I’m on the phone with you, there’s a good chance I’m also in the bathroom wiping a butt. Sorry, but this is also why I only advocate for FaceTime meetings with my friends, because they love me regardless…
- Someone will fall off of something and wail a wail of agony so alarming that you will wonder if they lost a limb. I assure you they haven’t. But that’s precisely the reason I tell them a million times a day to stop standing on the couch/bed/chair/table. Don’t worry though, they won’t learn their lesson.
- Which brings me to, if you try calling and I don’t answer, it’s likely because: A: someone has the iPad and has hung up on you because it interrupted “Daniel Tiger”; B: I’m trying to get one of them to nap; C: I have no idea where my phone is; or D: We are outside and I’m in the third hour of pushing them on the swings.
- Oh, and if by some miracle they are sleeping when you call and there’s a glimmer of hope that we might get through a conversation uninterrupted, don’t get too comfortable. They will wake up. And someone will have to poop.
Hang in there, moms and dads! We can get through this with patience, good humor and MORE WINE PLEASE!
Peace, love and marshmallows,
Oh my, this is at the top of my favs ….. I love that I can picture all of what you described and it gives me such a good chuckle! Thanks for this article!
Thank you for a good morning chuckle, Jessie! That is an adorable picture of the two girls, too. 🙂
When she heard schools were closing for a month, the mother of my 7 and 10 year-old grandsons ran to Costco and bought 2 cases of wine. Now that the schools are closing for the rest of the school year and she has no daycare, she’s going to be doing work calls with a glass in her hand.
You absolutely nailed it with this. My mother had four kids spaced 1.5 years apart. I distinctly recall one snowy upstate NY winter when I was about three or four, my Mom stuffed my older sister and me into our snowsuits, pushed us out the door and promptly locked it behind us. We wailed, cried and pounded on the door, begging to come back in, to which my mother yelled (through the door) “Go play!” Two hours later she literally had to drag us back inside. Wine, locked doors … you do what you gotta do to keep your sanity. 😉
I just found your blog and absolutely love your posts and how you write. Thank you for sharing with the world especially in such bizarre times!! Please keep posting.
Thank you for reading!
Absolutely love your column, especially this one! Please keep it up!