In honor of Friday the 13th I would like to take a moment to embrace a side of me that I have not appropriately opened up about. And I am ashamed of this, because anyone who knows me personally will know that this part of me is worth mentioning, if for no other reason than to protect the innocent souls around me.
Deep breath in….now let it out….sigh…
Some days life is tough for me.
Yes.
And by tough, I mean literally painful.
Because I am a klutz.
Accident prone.
A magnet for small disasters.
A target for falling things.
like bird poop...
This is a quality that is so much a part of me I have began to embrace it and use it when asked to describe myself:
“Who am I? Well I am so glad you asked: I am a wild haired, overly friendly over sharer spaz of a woman who is inclined to burst out in song when simply regular talking would do just fine. I often have big ideas that require more muscles than I currently posses attached to arms and legs that are more often that not, flailing. I lack the attention to detail needed to glide through this ranch-world unscathed by stomping horse hooves, alarmingly uneven ground, muddy creek beds, giant bulls and rodents with wings that prefer to fly right for my head when there are a million miles of open sky available to them. Oh, and chips and salsa are still my favorite food groups even though the food group almost choked me to death in a public space known as a restaurant, just to make sure I was good and embarrassed (Sweet Martha thank goodness for Mr. Heimlic and his maneuver). Oh, and I got my big nose from my dad…and a flying sled and an unruly beer bottle in case you were wondering….thanks so much for asking, I think l’ll go inside now.”
I mean, let’s get real here. How many women have been smacked in the head by a 15 foot 2×6 board that came screaming at 30 mph out of what appeared to be thin air one day…only to fall through the floor of a barn the next?
Danger, lurking around every corner
How many people have actually bent over to pick up a napkin off of the floor only to smoke their head so hard on a kitchen table (a table that has been in the same place for 15 + years so there should be no surprises) that guests fell silent and actually witnessed those little cartoon bluebirds circling around her head?
Do you know any proper lady who has dolled up, put on her big girl shoes and attempted a few hours in a dress only to step out of the dining booth and fall directly on her face, flashing her entire rear-end to a bar full of strange men?
How many best friends have to regularly say “Really? Did that just happen? Are you ok?”
How many times can a dad rush his young daughter to the emergency room for a crushed foot from jumping the wrong way off of a horse, a snapped ligament for landing the wrong way while jumping, er, falling off a small cliff, a smashed finger from getting her limb stuck between a 2,000 pound bull and a metal post, or a disjointed wrist from a unfortunate decision to heroically save herself from a runaway horse?
Note to self...bridal necessary.
How many times can a husband shake his head at his wife before his head actually falls off and he turns from bystander to victim?
How many people do you know who have actually hit themselves in the head with a hammer, measure the time they have spent in casts in years and were nicknamed “Tuck and Roll” in seventh grade by those who are supposed to love them most?
How many?
Well, I know one who happens to share my name and the same bruise on my left knee and permanent and distinct bump on my nose.
"Hhiiiyaaa gguuyyyssaaa!!"
Um, I just need one moment here….
“Bwwwaaaaa ahhh  ahhhh…sob…sniff…sniff…whimper…”
Sigh.
Ok, enough of this confession. Life is tough out here for animals and humans like me. Come to think of it I have a couple dozen stories I could tell you about witnessing my pops in similar life-threatening situations (i.e.: welding his polyester shirt to to his arm, getting clotheslined by a barbed wire fence and one or two cow trampling incidents) so perhaps his giant nose and frizzy hair weren’t the only qualities he passed down to me.
Thanks a million pops.
"Why you're welcome dear daughter..."
But I decided a long time ago that I can’t live in fear about the next mishap, bruise, concussion, bloody nose or knee. Life’s too short and there’s too much to do…
So I took the pug’s lead and invested in some safety glasses:
Because we can’t afford to lose another eye on this place.
And in honor of this cryptic type holiday, the one straight out of those horror movies I refuse to subject myself to for fear of bed wetting, I want to hear from you.
Tell me about an embarrassing blunder or injury. Give me your best accident prone tale and the one that makes me feel better about myself and the fact that I am gracefully challenged can chose from the following 8×10 matted metallic prints to be sent to your door.
Photo #1:
Photo #2
Photo #3
Because I like to celebrate our shortcomings 🙂
Oh, and don’t forget to visit the “Meanwhile, back at the ranch…” Facebook page and hit “like” for more ranch updates, contests and photos.
Love you and happy accidents everyone!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... 
Oh my. If I didn’t want to send you a hug before, I certainly do now. My only suggestion is to buy bubble wrap. We have the bubble wrap conversation frequently with our daughter for the same reasons. 🙂
Bubble wrap! I may have to consider. Great idea 🙂
Oh my word!!! This slays me. This is me. To a “T.” I could possibly give you a run for your money. You may have already read my story but here is the link again. This is only one “mishap.” I have many,many more. http://southerngoulash.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/myself-banana-seat-bicycle-vs-mad-cow/
This is hilarious. I love the bacon that your saviors had to keep passing in the ditch that sounds like something that my sisters and I would do. The poor biker though, brand new. I had a cow trample on my bike as well and it was beyond repair, I just wasn’t on it when it happened…
I’m sure you’ve heard this one, Tuck’N’Roll, but here goes, because I’m all about boosting your self-confidence (bahaha!):
My Sr. year of HS, I attended an awards banquet at the SD Student Council Assn. State Convention, for which I was receiving an award for my 3-yr contribution to the state board (yep, I was kindof a big deal). There were about 500 students, parents, & teachers at the banquet, I was seated at a long table at the very front of the room, about 3 people down from the speakers’ podium. I was wearing my beautiful long prom dress, high heels, earrings, the whole 9, and I of course looked stunning. When my name was called to accept the award, I stood up with all the energy of a 2-month-old puppy, not realizing I had sat my chair upon the bottom of my dress. As I stood up, the dress pulled taught, I lunged forward, grabbing the ginormous red velvet curtain behind us. It came off the bar and I continued to fall the remaining 17 1/2 feet to the floor… in front of all those people. I stood up, straightened out my dress, and continued to the podium as if nothing happened.
*Awkward silence as all 500 ppl in the room didn’t know whether to laugh or ask if I’d had a seizure*
I wanted to pretend it never happened, give my acceptance speech, then walk out of the ballroom and continue to walk the 312 miles back home where I’d curl up and die a slow and lonely death. But for some reason, when I opened up my mouth, I giggled, then snorted (we share that lovely genetic feature for reals), then hysterically guffawed until tears ran down my face. God Bless that audience, because they did too, then cheered and applauded my spectacle. So not only do I still have that cheap plaque with my name on it, some hotel in Mitchell SD has a broken curtain rod and I have a really great embarrassing moment to tell about for eternity.
In all the years I’ve known you and your flailing limbs I have never heard this story. I can just picture you in your prom dress looking exquisite, feeling so “big city” and graceful and then BAM the reality of your genes hit you. A familiar story indeed.
I’m so glad you shared it here for all the world to see.
I am fortunate not to be accident prone…however I will tell you a story about my oldest daughter Lexie (whom is accident prone). We were just standing there in Vegas waiting for my mom to come out of the bathroom. Lexie sporting her high platform shoes, all of a sudden falls on the floor in front of about 100 people…look up at me and yells….mom don’t push me….how embarrassing to me (mind you I was no were near her).
Bwhahahaa, this is great. Double whammy embarrassment…what a quick thinking daughter you have. Sounds like something like that may have happened to her before so she had a quick go to response 🙂 Love it!
Hmm… not sure if I am accident prone, per say, but biggest accident was 4th grade softball. Me, pitching in sandals, no less, because I *forgot* to wear my tennis shoes this practice, and my Dad, the coach, decided to let the batter have one last go at it … which ended up a line drive into my face, very much breaking my nose. A couple surgeries later, it’s nearly straight! 🙂
Be careful out there!
Jessie – I hear you! I’ve been accident prone all my life, too, though not in front on tons of people (that I can remember…sometimes those types of things are pushed into the darkest recesses of your memory for a reason…)
Here are some of my most glorious moments:
* I was sitting at my desk on a folding chair, working on homework or something. I kicked the chair back and was resting on the back legs of the chair. All of a sudden, I decided to put the front legs back on the floor. Well, that’s not such a good idea when you place your feet underneath the front legs. The left leg of the chair landed directly on my big toe. Most normal people, after the burst of pain, would lift up the chair and remove the offended toe. Not me. I instead just ripped it out from underneath the chair. Not a good idea. That toe was black for ages.
* I was carrying a fruit salad from the basement to the main level of the house – it was in a large, heavy bowl. Well, I fell UP the stairs, and in order to try and catch myself, I flung my arms out in front of me, landing them on the top step. This might have been fine had the bowl not landed on my thumb, creating intense pain and a nice, large black thumb.
* Halloween: Fell DOWN the stairs at my high school, twisting my ankle and had a huge bruise on the side of my foot. I hobbled all around HS for days.
* Thanksgiving: Riding with my dad chasing cows back to the house. I got confused with where I was at (I’m very poor at directions/navigation) and decided to follow where the cows were crossing. BAD IDEA. There was a big tree across the crossing where the cows could get under but I couldn’t with my horse. Blame it on the darkness, but I tried, got my head stuck, my horse panicked and backed up and my head hit the swells of the saddle, creating an instant hematoma on my face and bruise – looked like I had a stroke for months.
* I’m sure there were others, but those are perhaps the most memorable. My roommates and I did have a very large marker board during my senior year at DSU that we marked down how many times I fell. I believe I fell 8 times that year – biffed it in front of the ag building, student center, and fell down the stairs several times.
So you see! You’re not the only klutz around here! 🙂 Have a happy day! Love your posts!!!
Oh Annika….it seems klutzy ranch kids are more susceptible to injury aren’t we…there are just so many obstacles to face and overcome. So glad you weren’t permanently scarred by these episode…also glad you had the sense of humor to tally your episodes 🙂
I am feeling better already, and so much closer to you all…keep ’em coming lovelies.
I run into my own {open} cabinet doors with alarming frequency and then have trouble remembering where the goose eggs come from. Do I need medical help?
Hahaha, if you need medical help I need medical help RL…:)
Well, I will tell you of my last public exhibition. I was at church of all places and we had finished our meeting and we were hanging around cleaning up and gabbing. Now, I am not a spring chicken like you I am a 60 year old grandma who you would think would know better. I have a right leg and foot that are week due to brain surgery back in 1994. I felt tired of standing around so sank down on a bench(padded) to continue to join in the conversation. Of course, being the ungraceful person I am I couldn’t sit like a normal person and sat on the end facing the same direction as the bench rather than front facing as would have been the correct way to sit on it. This made my legs drape over the wooden ledge on the end of the bench. I sat there for a few minutes and then I realized my left leg was tingling and thougt I should stand up because my leg was going to “sleep”. I didn’t really say anything, I just stood up and then because I am an idiot, I tried to take a step. Don’t ask me why. Well, I felt flat on my face in the center of people standing around chatting with no warning. Of course, this gave them quite a start. I had a hard time talking because I was laughing since I am such a spazz. I managed to sputter, “I am fine my leg is asleep”. They were all very nice and concerned and overly helpful.
I once heard that making a public spectacle of yourself is a good way to discharge bad Karma. I also tried to avoid such displays but lately have come to just accept them as inevitable and hope other people have short memories!
Oh my gosh, I love how you told this story…and I love how you laughed it off hysterically when everyone was so worried. True pro and I think your karma is all evened out after that one 🙂
First of all, thanks for printing the wonderful picture of your father. Now, for my story: When I entered the Navy, a group of seven of us from ND were to be sworn in in Mpls and then flown to bootcamp in MD. So, I was put in charge because I had a year of college. In the airport in Mpls, I showed the others how to avoid paying a dime* to go to the toilet by crawling under the door and then holding the door open for the others (after use, of course). On the way out, I said “follow me” and led seven women into the utility closet where I fell over mops and buckets. And I still want to know which one of them said “Some leader!!”
*all public places had pay toilets.
Hey, you were just trying to help:) haha.
Hahaha! The word spaz is wonderfully descriptive. You sound fun to be around! The unruly beer bottle sounds like a story waiting to be told! I am probably too laid-back (aka lazy) to be truly accident prone. But I can be flighty and daydreamy and had this accident as a result:
When I was in my early twenties, during a summer break from college, I decided to be a camp counselor. It was the first week, counselor training week and we had been at the lake for water safety instructions. Once dismissed, I, along with many of the counselors, stayed down at the lake talking and just hanging out on or around the dock, a long, L-shaped, “sidewalk” type of dock. The sun was setting over the lake and I was in a good mood… enjoying getting to know new people, looking forward to fun with the campers, feeling the freedom of the outdoors. As if to match my mood the sky was streaked with happy hues of orange, pink and purple. A new friend and I left the shore to walk along the dock, friend on my left, water on my right. As we walked I admired the sky, commenting on how beautiful it was. While my head was “in the clouds”, my feet kept walking and I suddenly found myself teetering dangerously close to the edge of the dock! Commence surprised gasping, followed by high-pitched shrieking, accompanied by useless arm-flailing and a slow-motion leaning towards the water. During the brief moments of flapping like a flightless bird, I knew that I wasn’t regaining my balance and in order to avoid a sideways fall and complete head dunking, I decided to put my “best foot forward” and basically just stepped off the dock into the waist deep water. So embarrassing! Some of my co-counselors surely thought it was an attention seeking tactic and ignored the sideshow. To think that some people thought it was intentional was even more embarrassing than the incident! The few that came to help, of course wondered what caused the fall. How lame it sounded to have to answer that I walked off the deck because I was looking at the sunset. In addition to the public humiliation, I was dismayed that on my feet were brand new tennis shoes, now soaked in brown lake water.
Thanks for the Friday the 13th fun!
ugh, I am cringing for you Florida. You are right, the fact that people thought you did that intentionally is worse than the actual accident. But it sounds like you handled it, er, gracefully at least. But what i’m most upset about i the sneakers…you had to go the entire camp with ruined sneakers?!! Damn girl. Thanks for sharing!
Didn’t go all summer with those! We were only about 15 minutes from a mall (for comparison I guess the city was something like Jamestown) and on our free time next weekend a guy who liked me bought me a new pair. He was a nice guy, and we shared an appreciation for Adidas, but I didn’t like him as much as he liked me and it was kind of awkward. I tried to refuse them. But the guy I did like was telling me to not “kick a gift horse in the mouth” and accept them, so eventually I did. Ah, the memories! 🙂
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Oops! I meant “look” a gift horse, not “kick”…lol, duh!
…and the plot thickens 🙂
Superb post 😀
See reflections of myself in your words hehe
I feel for you isychia…
I never miss your blog, Jesse. What talent and personality, great writing and photos! I’ve read this post more than once and laugh every time. Keep it up!
Back again. This is one time I wish I was a real klutz and had a story to tell so I could be in the running for the prize. The closest I can come is when I was at a luncheon banquet at a conference and a salad was placed in front of me. I decided to save it and eat it with the main course. It was later swooped away from me, after others had eaten theirs. Turned out the salad was the main course, and I went hungry except for a buttered role. Dummy me.
Oh, the price we pay sometimes for trying to make the right choice 🙂 Thanks for sharing Irene….
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