Recently one of my lovable bloggy-mcblog visitors inquired about the one-eyed pug. He said he wondered where he’s been. He wondered how he’s been doing and how he’s handling all the changes around here.
He noticed there haven’t been many updates lately. Not many photos. Not many references to his quirky and cute habits.
Well, I’ll tell you, it’s been rough, but I suppose it’s time to address the situation.
A situation that has been brewing around here for a few months. One I don’t like to talk about.
It’s too painful.
See, the pug and I, yeah….well…we’re in a fight.
I’m not sure when it all started, but somewhere between the Santa Suit, the porcupine incident of 2011, the cone, the Frankenstein/Pirate jokes and the eye stitches that finally disintegrated, the pug started sporting an attitude. He showed up after a night MIA minus one collar and plus a swagger that sends the songbirds flying from his path.
He started barfing on the floor with no remorse, finding hidden spots to leave smelly surprises, dragging dead things to the porch while casually licking his paws, watching them disintegrate and smell up the barnyard. Rolling his eyeball when he hears me open the door and screech.
And he’s started sleeping in. Like really sleeping in. Like 2:00 in the afternoon unless he is literally picked up and pushed out the door. Yup, that’s going on, which is really annoying and inconvenient when I am trying to get myself out the door and to work on time.
You know what else is annoying? Having to drive to mom and pop’s house every day to pick his hitchhiking ass up.
Because he’s started doing that too. Yup. He ties on his little bandana, puts a pity patch on the spot where his eye used to be, throws his duffle bag over his shoulder, finds his best pathetic face and strolls on out of the yard, thumbing his way over to his girlfriend’s house as soon as my tail lights are out of sight.
Yeah, he has a girlfriend.
She lives at mom and pop’s place. And the two of them like to go on day trips up the highway to the neighbors. They also like to bark into the night at the moon or the wind or a rustling leaf. He likes to show off, show her he’s tough.
You know how he does that? He howls. He howls loudly. At 2 am. While he’s still in mom and pop’s garage because I “forgot” to go and get him before bed.
Pops hasn’t slept through the night for three months.
And on the nights that Chug the Pug is on lockdown and is forced to sleep in his rightful place on the floor in the entryway in the house like he was meant, the ballsy little bugger not only sneaks on the couch immediately after husband and I turn out the lights..he lays on husband’s favorite blanket…
leaving behind the scent of disobedience and betrayal.
All of these things are not good. They are rebellious. They are irresponsible.
They are not cute.
And I am pissed.
Don’t get me wrong, I have let some of this slide. I have let him sleep in my bed when husband was gone on business trips. I’ve let him sleep even when his snoring has disrupted phone conversations (yeah, that’s an embarrassing noise to try to explain). I have laughed when I hear him howl. It is hilarious.
But it is also loud.
Like his snoring.
And his farting.
What the hell? What has gotten into this once sweet, once cuddly, once cute and innocent and smooshy faced little animal who used to fit so sweetly in the crook of my arm? Where did I go wrong?
Maybe it was all the pressure I put on him to tame the wild cats.
Or could he be trying to fit in on the ranch by making up for his lack of size in attitude?
Or, could it be?
No, it couldn’t…
Could it be the eye?
Do you think that little shit caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and decided, well, he looks tough? Do you think he walked in the closet one day to plop down and wait for me to come out of the bathroom and noticed this sexy, masculine, muscular canine with one eye looking back at him and thought to himself “Hell, I’m a stud. S. T. U. D. It’s prime time I started acting like one.” ?
Do you think?
I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.
I am out of options.
He won’t even look at me. He just hangs out under the heat-lamp with the cats.
Or on the couch that he just jumped on when my back was turned.
He glares at me from there.
I glare back.
Then I tell him he stinks.
He tells me my hair is frizzy.
I ask him if he just ran into a wall or if his face is supposed to look that way.
He asks me if the zit on my face has its own mailing address.
I say no, it gets its mail at our home address, thanks very much.
This is getting ugly.
So you ask how the pug is handling the changes around here friend? To that question I have another one…
Anyone have a number for a good therapist?