It’s been a hell of a year at the Veeder Ranch and it looks like it’s going to go out with quite the chill in the air. I’ll tell you in advance, if you can’t find me after midnight tonight it’s because I’ll be laying face down in a carpeted corner somewhere, exhausted and finally giving in after a wonderful week spent wrapping and unwrapping, decorating and celebrating, laughing and baking and eating everything, driving and visiting friends, singing for my supper and trying every holiday cocktail concoction possible.
Staring down a new year has always been bittersweet for me. I get a little panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach that’s directly correlated to the tasks I thought I might get done and the potential of a brand new chance to get things right.
See I try to be a person who looks back only occasionally to catch a good memory, remember a lesson learned or laugh at something that was damn hilarious.
I’ve been known to leave the awkward, tough and uncomfortable situations that occurred throughout my life in the dust where I think they belong, but the anticipation of January 1st always has me looking back on the little things that I could have done better; like taking deep breaths whenever I found my husband on a tall ladder,
It works on the little things and it worked as we could do nothing but watch the volunteer firefighters try to save the little farmhouse we called home this summer.
Breathing, sometimes in this life that’s all we can do.
Sometimes that’s all I want to do as I sit on the hilltops on the back of my horse and watch as the wind bends the grasses, rustles the trees and tangles my hair, but in all of the moments I’ve set up for myself throughout the year sometimes breathing is the hardest.
And the most important thing.
This year I wrote it all down.
This year I cried a little and sucked it up.
This year I was scared. Really nervous. This year I did it anyway.
This year I made dessert for breakfast, mistakes that looked like reasons and music that sounded a little more like me.
This year I rode a little harder I think. I drank too much coffee and too much tequila, ate too much pasta and maybe didn’t make as much time for that breathing thing as I should have.
But I laughed. A lot. I got my oxygen that way I think. I laughed hard as I rode off into the sunset on a horse working his hardest to get rid of me.
I laughed as we stuck it out. I laughed as I forgot to put it in drive while pushing the gas pedal and wondering why the hell I wasn’t moving.
I laughed as our whole life was strung out on the lawn outside of my parents house. I laughed at the idea that we had all of this stuff, all of this space and no place to put it.
I laughed at the annoying things–the twisted ankles, the slippery roads, the runaway dogs and messes I never get around to cleaning up–I laughed because we were all still alive and loving each other, knowing that those things are a long way from our hearts.
Because this year I helped build us a house, jumped out of a damn plane, landed safely on the ground and ate the best fish taco I’ve ever had in my life next to the best friends they make.
This year I loved as much as I possibly could.
And next year I intend on opening that heart up even more.
Next year I will learn all of the words to Rocky Top. I’ll get practicing tomorrow.
Next year I will master meal planning, organization and the mandolin.
Next year I will play the harmonica on my new deck next to my garden busy growing tomatoes and basil and pumpkins I think.
Next year I will be 30.
Next year I’ll be ok with that.
Next year I’ll do sit-ups. And maybe some lunges.
Next year I’ll bake more bread, visit more friends, spend more time listening and saying the things that need to be said.
Next year I’ll walk to more hilltops just to sit for a while.
Next year I’ll drink too much coffee and red wine. Next year I’ll still love peanut butter
I’ll still love this.
And I’ll still love him.
I’ll always love him.
And at the end of any day, at the end of any year, that’s the most important thing anyway, no matter who’s climbing ladders, what catches fire or how many wild dreams (or wild dogs) we are chasing.
Thanks for hanging in there with us. Cheers to an adventure filled 2013.
And cheers to more laughter.