The beauty in not knowing…

The thing about chronicling my life the way I have over the last several years, is that it gives me the opportunity to look back and recognize how things have changed.

Or haven’t changed.

And how far we’ve come.

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Last year at this time I was working on putting together a Christmas card and was struck by overwhelming feelings of being grateful and sad at the same time as I searched for a photo of my husband and I to send to relatives and friends, feeling a little sorry for us and a little pathetic.

Read the full post here: The Holidays, how they hold us and haunt us. 

I couldn’t help but realize that most couples our age were setting up photo shoots with their little ones, decorating Christmas trees and Christmas cookies together in a house filled with toys and bouncy seats and stuffed animals and putting elves on shelves or dressing the kids up for photos with Santa.

The holidays have always been a little rough for the two of us, as they are for anyone who has lost someone they love or has yet to start the family they’ve been dreaming about. With each passing year you wonder if it’s ever going to get easier…

I couldn’t have known last year at that time, when I picked out a photo of the two of us sitting on a cooler under the hot Montana summer sun, a little tipsy from a few beers, laughing and holding on to one another, that just a few months later I would call my husband into the bathroom to confirm that I wasn’t seeing things.

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That there were indeed, two pink lines.

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And you couldn’t have told us then, seeing those lines for the seventh time, that it would all work out this time. That on December 9th I would be picking out little bows and hats for our daughter’s first Christmas photo.

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I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me then, in the middle of my musings about being thankful but wanting, that if we just wait patiently, in one year we would be bundling up our almost two-week old, strapping her in her car seat in the back of the pickup for a drive around the ranch to pick out her first Christmas tree.

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Everything has changed, yet it feels so familiar to have this baby laying next to me in her bassinette as I write this. It feels just fine me holding my breath hoping she’ll give me just a few more minutes to finish up before she wakes up and is ready to eat.

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It feels like we were never without her…although we waited so long.

How could we have known?

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We could not.

To live with uncertainty is to live knowing that it could be tragic, but then, it could all turn out after all.

Sometimes it all works out after all.

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16 thoughts on “The beauty in not knowing…

  1. So true! Have been in your shoes. It is amazing how quickly you forget all the hard times that have gotten you to where you are today. My husband and I waited six years before adopting out oldest. He is now six and has a two year old brother. The Lord has great plans for us if we are able to let go of the way we think it should be. Enjoy your first Christmas as parents!!

  2. Jessie, this is the most beautiful story and your daughter is lovely! Thank you for sharing your life with us. You are so wise and I’ve had many of those same thoughts 32 years and longer ago, after dealing with multiple infant losses and infertility. I know how it all feels and my husband and I had the same feelings about how right our child felt and how it seemed like we’d never not had him, once he arrived. Your post, last year, absolutely tore me up as, even though I thought I’d gotten past all of that, apparently I hadn’t and my heart ached for you, even though we’ve never met. I am so happy for you two. Your daughter is so lucky to have your both in her life. Merry Christmas and a terrific New Year to all three of you!

  3. You Christmas miracle is here — what a wonderful post, filled with so much love! Smooches to your sweet new baby girl – may she grow up to be as fierce and adventurous as her namesakes 🙂 MJ

  4. Jessie, I just re-read your post from last year and then re-read this one. It took me into that special place — deep inside a moment — where life is truly lived. I don’t know how you do what you do with words to make them dance inside our hearts, bringing to life the deepest joys and sorrows, but they certainly work their magic with us. I know I am not alone when I see the comments from others who aim to tell you what just happened to them while reading your profound reflections. Thank you for sharing your gift with us. Having visited your ranch now, I am ever more appreciative of the power of place in shaping our lives. You are blessed — and so are we to be there with you — and through you, reveling in the moments that make this ride so adventurous. And now, that sweet little baby the two of you just introduced to the world — heartfelt Congratulations to both of you! I could not possibly be more overjoyed as I celebrate the best Christmas present of all — a dream come true for both of you — and all of us who have wished this for you for so long. Welcome little Edie — you are a fortunate little girl to land inside the hearts of such wonderful souls. Your beauty already shines brightly and it will be such delight to watch you grow and learn and become more of you. Big blessings to all three of you as you celebrate togetherness this holiday season and beyond.

  5. She’s such a good baby! And always seems to flash a smile so often already! Mamma and dad’s little girl. LOVE following your lives. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! With love, Cathy Blin in CA

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