What we never thought we’d know…

So yesterday, we saw our baby…BabyOr a little fuzzy silhouette of it anyway, a snapshot of what I’ve been working so hard on growing the last few months of my life. 

There is the hand that I swear pushes on my bladder every five minutes…

And there’s the foot I can feel poking and fluttering on all sides of my belly button at all hours of the day.

Baby Foot

I’m surprised we could get any pictures at all considering this kid never holds still.

Trouble already.

I can’t believe this is happening.

This picture, this sonogram, looks like every other sonogram I’ve every seen really. It’s a little smudge of a baby the size of a mango, but this time the little smudge of a baby the size of a mango is ours.

It was a date I’ve been looking forward to since we decided to put a family together all those years ago. I imagined what it would be like to make plans to head to the Doctor’s office together where I would lay on the table in a dark room with Husband at my side, staring at the screen where our little one would be the star of the show.

I wondered what it would feel like. I wondered what I would think. I wondered if I would cry or just hold my breath.  I wondered if Husband would hold my hand or just put them in his pockets the way he does when he’s concentrating on something. I wondered how he would act. I wondered what he would say…

I found out yesterday.

He said “Oh, look there, I think I see a mustache.”

And so that’s how that went.

And it was wonderful.

We were normal people with a normal pregnancy doing normal things that normal couples get to do when they have a baby on the way.

And then they printed off a reel of photos of little white smudges of feet and ears, a belly and bended knees a whole world and life forming under my skin and we listened to the heart beat and Husband put the number in his memory and we walked on air out of there to sit at a table at a restaurant and order anything we wanted, to sit as long as we wanted, to say whatever we wanted about this moment as we lived it…

Because we never thought we’d really live it…no matter how our friends and family willed it to be or reassured us it would all come together…that they’d been praying.

How do you ever know.

I didn’t.

And if I would have known how it might all turn out in that moment I’d been wondering about, it wouldn’t have mattered as much when we finally lived it.

And it mattered so much. That day, yesterday, with my Husband clutching the reel of our first baby’s photos, practically skipping out into that hot, humid air blazing on his pickup in the parking lot in a town that took us a three hour car ride to reach, was simply one of the most ordinary, extraordinary moments of my life, one I never thought I could give him… give us.

And there we were, eating lunch in the summer sun together talking about strollers and cribs and how much tiny camouflage he plans on purchasing in the next few months.

There we were, two planning on three. Just like that, like we’ve never had our hearts broken time after time. Like we never had a moment of thinking otherwise. Like there was never a doubt we’d ever arrive here.

What can I say about this except that sometimes when you hold out hope, hope gives in.

Some would call that faith.

I don’t know what I call it except maybe a gift, just like every other life that exists here. After all of our trouble and worry and struggle, how it happens at all is a true and utter miracle.

We spent the rest of the afternoon milling around furniture stores, trying out couches and opening drawers on bedroom sets. Husband picked up some jeans and I tried on dresses. We bought a first aid kid and bathroom supplies and wandered through the baby aisle confusing ourselves.

I had a feeling that if I would have asked for the moon that day, my Husband would have set out building a ladder tall enough to let him wrap his arms around it and bring it down.

But I don’t need the moon…no.

Just a scoop or two of ice cream for the way home at the end of a day we never thought we’d know…

22 thoughts on “What we never thought we’d know…

  1. Congrats Jessie. I meant to chat with you the other night at Alive at 5, but of course, the kids had different plans.
    You will be amazing parents and I am so happy for you. I know all the struggles you have had were so hard and incomprehensible, but God has His plan for your family and look at the blessing that was waiting at the end of such a long, deep, dark and sad tunnel. Such sunshine is headed your way, my dear!
    I remember the first time I ever saw Sawyer and the sheer awe Cody and I felt. Just remember that feeling always; you will look back on it (when the kids are refusing to go to bed and the mountain of laundry rivals Mt. Everest) and find that there isn’t any other feeling in the world that can compare.
    Congrats again. You look amazing, by the way! Enjoy your pregnancy and God Bless your family! 🙂

  2. Jessie…I have no words right now. Just happy thoughts of little miracles that come our way. God bless you two (I mean 3)

  3. Jessie……I have no words..only happy thoughts of little miracles that come our way. God bless you 2. (I mean 3.)

  4. So happy for you…and such a blessing coming your way. Wish you both so much happiness and contentment. Joan Thom/Bowman, N.D.

  5. Thanks for sharing the picture of your little cowboy or cowgirl…..and it is so great and wonderful and special that you share your thoughts about all of this…..it is ever so wonderful and special that we your friends get to watch your tummy grow, your skin glow and your smiles that are on both your faces everytime we see you now! And your mom and dads smile when it is mentioned that soon there will be another new life on that ranch,, that special place to all of you who have made it special to all of us! Life is good! And your life is even going to get better!! I for one can’t wait for the ‘day’ to arrive!

  6. Reading your words and imagining Chad talking about a mustache…so incredibly happy and excited for you guys! 🙂

  7. Am so happy for you Jessie! I was so thrilled to hear your baby announcement at the concert you had in Fargo last month. It made me cry – am so happy for you both! God is truly good! Thanks for sharing your ultrasound pics on your blog. Makes all your fans feel like a part of your journey. I will be praying for you, your hubby and baby that all goes well. Am looking forward to many more updates. Bless you!
    Terri Greene @ Prairie Public

  8. Congratulations to you both! It will be an amazing experience, and you’ll be amazing parents! How do I know? Because I read your work, and that’s who you are. Blessings, joy, and all the fun in the world coming your way! ~ Sheila

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