These days I don’t know where the weeks go. They fly by me as I sit rocking this teething baby who just started to notice when I enter and exit the room, making sure to voice her distaste at the whole exiting part.
I’m trying to work from home and take care of her at the same time, so I spend a lot of time thinking I should be doing another thing while I’m doing what I’m doing.
Like, I’m rocking this baby, but I have a pile of emails I need to respond to.
Or, I’m working on this column, but I should be rocking the baby.
Or, maybe when the emails are answered and the baby’s fed and napped we can take the dogs for a walk.
But I should really do the dishes.
Or return that phone call…oh, look, she just pooped up her back. Guess I’ll change her outfit for the third time today. Oh, is it 4:00 already? I should probably think about supper…
I knew it was going to look a lot like this as I tried my hand mixing what I was doing before I was a mom into my life as a mom. I knew my days would look a lot like a juggling act and that I would have to bust out my best multi-tasking skills. I knew it was going to be a challenge, so I’m trying to cut myself a little slack as I work on figuring it out.
And by cutting myself some slack I mean letting some things slip. Like my own personal hygiene for one, which was pretty predictable considering the amount of days I sometimes went without a shower before an infant arrived. I mean, if I didn’t have to go to town and see people, what was the point?
Anyway, turns out Edie’s morning nap is a good time to squeeze some work in, so I’ve learned I can sacrifice the shower…my husband can see me with my hair fixed when I get home from a meeting or something.
I haven’t shaved my legs for days.
And so this is my Friday night confession. It’s 10 o’clock and the baby’s in her crib at the foot of our bed. The lights are off and I’m tired as hell. Last night was one of the first times I left Edie with Husband to go out and do something that wasn’t work. I went to a movie with Little Sister and ate too much popcorn and worried the whole time that I didn’t leave enough milk for her.
They were fine.
When I got home she was sleeping and Husband shushed me when I started asking questions in a whisper.
I fell asleep just in time for the baby to wake up at midnight and then again at 4 and then again at 6 and I’m sorta holding my breath right now wondering if she’s really down for the night or if she’s just playing me like usual.
And so this is what it’s like now to be me. It’s me + 1. Me + the worry. Me + that little thread that ties me to that tiny person that is learning something new every day.
Me, half wishing time to slow down because she’s growing so fast while the other half is so excited to see what she’s going to become.
Me, a little lonesome for the great outdoors, cursing the cool spring wind that keeps me from taking this baby on a walk.
Me, a little lonesome for a husband I haven’t really been alone with in months.
Me, who used to have a lot more time for the slow pace of nature. Me who can’t remember what I used to do all day before her.
Me, who, even after 5 months, can’t believe this baby is mine forever, God willing.
Me, so grateful and humbled by what it actually means to be a mother while wondering at the same time if I’m really cut out for this.
Me, who meant to write something here on Wednesday about the cows or the budding trees or how thankful I am for the rain, but those thoughts were thoughts I thought I should be thinking while I was rocking the baby.
So thankful to be rocking the baby.